Learning To Draw: Post #21

saracasen_tired

Took me a bit longer than usual to collect images for this post. The reason is I haven’t really been able to draw lately, headaches and eye-problems. I’m told it could be some kind of migraine activated by the computer screen? Next week I’m getting my brain X-rayed to make sure there’s nothing more serious behind my condition.

To be honest this makes me terrified. I’ve been struggling with fear, thinking a lot about death lately. I just want this to be over, to know for sure I don’t have anything unwanted inside my skull. Luckily my family and my dear friends have been a tremendous support during this time. I’ve been sleeping at friend’s places for almost two weeks, trying to pat a lot of cats and laughing at The Office. The hardest part is when I’ve shut off the computer, when it’s just me, the darkness and my own fears.

The chances this is something more serious are extremely small, but after witnessing my grand mother die in cancer and my own mother fighting cancer when I was around 12, I know bad things can happen. Anyways, the doctor made me go on sick leave this week, and hopefully I’m back at the office after the Easter, ready to work with my main game project! Until I know I’m not dying I’ve kinda put everything else in my life on hold. Gonna spend the following days in Malmö, and then make a trip to Finland to celebrate Easter with my family. I’m sure everything will be OK.

IMG_2948

23/3-13
Practicing facial features.

saracasen_faces

22/3-13
Just some cartoony doodles on the train from Stockholm to Malmö. Gonna stay in Malmö for a few days, just resting and waiting for my X-rays.

saracasen_thrones

22/3-13
Things from imagination.

saracasen_collage

19/3 & 20/3
Drawing on the subway to work this week hehe.

saracasen_ghost

18/3-13
25 minutes, just playing around. First digital image in ages, my eye starting to fail after 1 hour, bringing that nasty headache and numbness in my right part of the face.

saracasen_crazy

18/3-13

saracasen_tribal

14/3-13
Back at the office after a week of sick leave earlier this month! Drawing in 30 sec bursts at my job when my queries are searching the databases for information. It’s hard to direct my energy to other more complicated tasks when these “pauses” are something like 30 secs. Nice to see my brain is still improving even if I haven’t really been drawing for two weeks now.

saracasen_sheishe

13/3 -13
After a week of sick leave and almost no drawing or painting I’m able to create this.

saracasen_faceparts

8/3-13
Practicing some real life faces. Got such a headache after the right one I needed to sleep one hour to make the pain go away. Nothing else really helps : /

saracasen_uppsala

6/3-13
On the train between Uppsala and Stockholm, on my way to have lunch with my sister. I was on sick leave this whole week, made this one to see how much my eye could handle before it started moving rapidly from side to side which is annoying as fuck.

My friend Mary Q is doing a really amazing project. She is painting a self-portrait a day, publishing them on her blog [link]. She has drawn 27 portraits so far and you can really tell she is developing her skills, it’s very inspiring and fun to see. I hope she keeps it up!

0015_small_by_mary-q

Image by Mary Q. One of her self-portraits published on the blog.

Previous posts about my “Learning To Draw” project: 20191817161514131211,10987654321

DeviantArt gallery featuring most of the stuff I made so far: [click here]

4 thoughts on “Learning To Draw: Post #21

  1. Edgar

    Don’t worry too much, last year I also felt like I was going to die and I ended up in the emergency room, but at least in my case was just a panic attack, these last months have been hard and I know the feeling of despair when you feel bad and it seems like you can’t do anything about it. I also have a mom with migraine, and she also feels really bad when it happens, but those things come and go.

    Try to relax, think positive and I’m sure everything will be better. We need to see you become a great artist.

    Reply
    1. Saxen Post author

      Hi Edgar! I really hope you will get well soon. Panic attacks are hard to deal with in the beginning, I got a few friends who suffered from it. They say it’s very hard to explain, but it feels like you are going to die, even if you kinda know in the back of your head that “it’s only in your mind”. Scumbag brain…

      I’m looking forward to get back on my feet again, to be able to draw and work as much as i like without having these constant headaches and dizziness. *hugs*!

      Reply
  2. Simón Ochsenius

    Hang in there, Sara. I don’t know how it feels to have that fear of an actual possibility of something like that (however small the chance – I’m sure the fear is just as real as if it was a sure thing), but I do know the dread in turning the machines off and being alone with the vast fields of the most fearsome thoughts the mind is able to conjure up. All I can say is hang in there. Whatever it is, you’ll manage it. You’ll get past it. Might not mean much coming from someone you barely know and who barely knows you but you give off the vibes of being a strong person who can handle pretty much anything. So hang in there.

    You can doooo eeeeet (read in awkward Rob Schneider voice)

    Reply
  3. Saxen Post author

    Thanks Simón, I try to stay strong! I have been thinking back and forth about sharing my state with all you out there, and yesterday I just felt like “fuck it, I can’t just walk around not saying anything anymore when it’s the only thing I’m thinking of right now”. It means a lot that people kinda know what I’m going trough, they might understand why I’m a bit off or don’t reply to SMSs or stuff on Facebook as fast as I used to. Because I don’t really have that much energy for something else than eat, sleep and go to the job.

    Looking forward to next week when I’ll get to know more about my brain. Hopefully I will be able to snatch some of those 3D images for myself, would be cool to have I guess : )

    Reply

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