Obsession

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Sometimes it feels a bit like I’m going crazy. I wake up in the morning, get dressed, eat my musli with milk and glasses of water (I’m like a domesticated cat who always eats the same kind of dry food haha) ride the metro to work, spend 9-10 hours away from home. Then when I get back home I try to cook some kind of food, but usually I’m so tired it feels like I’m in a coma of some sort. Then I sit in front of my computer and paint the rest of the night, listening to nature documentaries or music. I even forget to eat the food on my desk because I’m completely devoured by trying to create a picture that’s in some way at least just a tiny bit better than the one I made yesterday. Noticed I can see my ribs in the mirror. I’ve almost always been thin/fit, and I don’t really like loosing muscles.

I’m fully aware that this project will go on for quite a long time if I ever want to be able to get some lasting progress. It just feels like the time we spend here on Earth is too short. Every night I crash down in my bed and try to get some sleep before going to work the next morning. Since I’m living way out in the suburbs of Stockholm and my roomie and I live quite separate lives, there’s no friends who come over or want to drag you  away to a party. I left almost all my friends back in Malmö three months ago. There’s no distractions in my room, just a bed, a desk, my computer and some clothes. Feels a bit strange, like I crated my own little bubble in the middle of the real world. Some days I’m just so sick of the real world, all the intolerance, the hate, the things you need to buy, I just refuse to take part in it. I choose to create my own reality.

Really need to get my workout routine back on track. The problem is that if I work out on the office hours I need to stay at the office even longer, and I get so hungry feel sick if I don’t get home at 18 to eat dinner. It’s very rare for me to meet anyone with my appetite. My body really needs food ever 3 hours, or I start to feel as if I’m going to faint or puke of hunger. Trying to make sure I always have a package of musli at work : ) /Rant

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