I think…”fail” is the word I’m looking for here.
I’ve been trying to read the book “Drawing the head and hands” by Andrew Loomis the past 1,5 weeks. So more reading, less drawing. Also, my right shoulder and back + neck have transformed into a cluster fuck of pain, so no digital painting for me until things get better. I have acquired an ergonomic chair, re-scheduled my gym-plan and paid two visits to a physiotherapist. The past weekend I spent completely way from computers, got a massage, went to the sauna and just drew some random stuff in my old sketch book. Talked a lot about drawing and painting with my mum, she is very skilled and have plenty of experience. Very nice to have someone to talk to about all the difficult things. She was able to point out many flaws in my images, which I’m thankful of.
Honestly I haven’t been feeling it the past two weeks. I think it all began after I joined Conceptart.org…I just felt like I’m drowning in a sea of clones and people who want to be THE BEST. For me it’s a lot about the process, and I think art must have a bigger meaning than just one painting being better than all the other ones. And how do you even measure what/who is the best? Is it the one who gets the job at a certain studio, or someone who gets featured in a museum? I don’t know. I need to focus on why I’m doing this. I’m doing this for me.
I guess it comes a time every now and then when you feel like everything you do is shit.The colors, the form, the lines. Nothing comes together and you just feel like giving it all up. It feels like nothing you do is ever good enough, stuff even gets worse. I’ve been doing this drawing and painting for the past 5 months, so I think it’s probably a part of the process. I feel like it’s not really any fun at the moment, and this was supposed to be at least a little bit fun also, not pure grinding.
If I aimed to become a professional concept artist, then I would push myself every day, no matter if it’s fun or not, but since this is just a hobby I guess I need to step a way and dream it all up again. I already got a job, and I like my 9-5 job at Paradox. This is supposed to be something where I don’t have to deliver all the time. Also, I need to be able to go to work, and right now my back is killing me. 8 hours in front of the computer at work, and then the additional 2-3 hours a day when I get home. Let’s hope this new chair helps me in healing my back/neck together with a new gym routine (1 hour/day).
So yeah, I need to get back on track and cheer myself up. It’s just that when I look at the stuff I make, it feels like I’m not getting any better at all. I fail to see any progress and don’t really know in what direction I should go. I think it’s just these back-pains that are making me grumpy. Here’s some inspiration I found when looking for refs of muscular dudes the past days. For some reason I end up at the homo erotic part of DeviantArt when searching for that kind of stuff. I guess gay men like muscles and beautiful boys? Well, so do I. No homo!
DeviantArt gallery featuring most of the stuff I made so far: [click here]